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Utsukushii sekai wo misete -- Show Me a Beautiful World
Welcome to Nanami J. Jaye's dark side.
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Unusual Beauty
I see the beauty in the weirdest places. A crack in a tree can make something so ordinary into something interesting. The way the light hits the leaves and the foliage just as twilight sets in can be breathtaking. I notice things that most people don't, and I write about them.

I like forbidden and taboo things. I write for the purpose of writing. I write down my unusual dreams and my nightmares.

I see unusual beauty. 'Pretty' just isn't good enough for me. That describes my works.
4th-Dec-2010 11:31 am - [Drabble] If You Truly Love Him...
Helden

I was young and stupid and I thought you were mine. It was the first time I had fallen in love as hard as I had, so I held onto you tightly with an iron grip. I wasn't willing to let go of you for anything in the world. But your grip on my hand wasn't as tight as mine on yours was. My friends told me that if you were mine I could let you go and you'd come straight back to me. So then I decided, well, it's worth a try, that I would let go of you and let you walk away. I figured that if you came back to me, you were mine. But you didn't come back to me like I thought you would. You looked back at me a few times, still smiled at me the same way you always did, but you never grabbed for my hand again.

You were never mine.

Hold on tight
Sometimes you just need a change of pace, a change of scenery. A different direction and a different place to go. Sometimes you need to sit there in the field of grass and flowers and admire the colours of the twilight--the soft blues and pinks mixing with light purple streaks--as it slowly fades into a beautiful midnight blue expanse dotted with diamonds. To look at the forest before you and wonder where exactly it might lead. To go back to that time of innocense where there were castles and princes came to save us from the stick-dragon erected in the secret oasis hidden behind a broken, vine-covered gate in the yard. The place where we could run to and know we were protected by the magic seal, the spellbound entrance we created.

I was seduced by this magic, led to this field as my prince stood before me on a white horse with a bouquet of roses in his hand. He was looking for me, his lovely fair maiden, fairest in the land. The gate would shut itself and lock for hours at a time until the spell was broken and my prince disappeared. And then the gate was knocked down and the magic went away.

I used to walk alone at night and admire the beauty life had to offer. There was magic even in that, every footfall unlocking a new path. I'd end up soaked from walking in the rain, fingers clutching an umbrella I refused to use, my other hand suddenly occuped with my non-imaginary prince's. We'd kiss in the rain and no longer care. We'd admire the falling leaves of autumn and bury each other in the snow banks of winter.

And then I returned to that magical place, he and I. We knew there was no longer any magic since the gate was gone, but we could pretend. We were lost in the remnants of the magical seduction, unsure whether or not the other was even real.

Sometimes you just need a change of pace, a change in scenery. A chance to go back into the world we built to escape. The only thing left now are the memories and the stories we keep locked in our hearts, never letting go. Just because you're all grown up now, doesn't mean you have to forget your childhood.
22nd-Jun-2010 07:43 pm - [SONG] too many times to count
Helden

I'm lost in eerie silence
as I drop down to my knees.
These past few nights I've sat alone
and hoped God had heard my pleas.
My pleas to never leave you as that
dreaded day draws near.
The bittersweet moment that will haunt me through the years.

And I've often asked myself
too many times to really count,
why I fell for you at first sight and why
I felt the need to kid myself.
I started off not knowing Cupid
had made his rounds.
And then it all came clear as crystal
at the beginning of junior year.

And I've asked God
too many times to really count,
why I had to almost lose you to
realise this about myself and I
can't help that I've fallen in love with you.

And I know why no one will answer
my pleas for answers.
It's because I don't want answers.
I already know them.

I'm lost in eerie silence
as I fall onto my seat.
My bittersweet anthem has begun...
It's gonna haunt my head.

And as I catch a glimpse of you,
I know,
I'm not the one I dread...
It's what you'd say if I ever told you
haunting me inside my head.

16th-May-2010 08:39 pm - [POEM] Not Ready
Helden
Not Ready

Out of desperation I cling to you.
I'm not ready to move on.
I keep a hold onto my past.
And I would give all the riches in the world
to be with you,
to stay with you.

I can't leave you behind.
You mean so much to me.
I can't stand it,
'cause I have to leave you behind.
Understand that
there's a place inside my heart
where I've kept you.
And I won't ever forget where I placed you.

These past four years were a blur;
it went too fast.
All I remember is you and I will ask
take my hand, don't shake it, take it.
Don't make me wait too long,
don't make me shut and cry.

I'll miss you most of all
because I'll never be ready to say
goodbye.
16th-May-2010 08:34 pm - [POEM] I Finally Let It Out
Helden
I Finally Let It Out

isolated.
i feel completely removed from Everyone Else.
it's like i'm an alien,
or looking out from a locked door
peering in.
I know I'm not like Them.

easy to clutch that Last Resort.
feel how easy & effortless it is as i
grip it in my hand like it's the trigger
and my hand is the gun.
I know I won't take the easy way out.

and when i gaze up on,
my imperfect Adonis,
i feel like i should be ashamed.
doubt fills my mind & i start to wonder,
maybe Everyone is right,
we will never be together.
I know I'm afraid to try.

it's like i'm only capable of falling in love
with two types of people:
the One I Can't Have;
the One that Doesn't Exist.
they're not real or
they're too old.
I'm a modern day Emily Dickinson.

i can't tell Anyone and yet
i've told Everyone that i
fell in love with a man exactly
twice my age
with a kid
an ex-girlfriend
and an ex-wife.
I know Society says it's wrong.
My friends say it's all right.
and my imperfect Adonis has no opinion either way
because i've kept him in the dark.

i feel isolated.
i won't use my Last Resort.
i feel ashamed.
i'm left with all this doubt.
so here's my soul completely bared.
I've finally let it out.
16th-May-2010 08:17 pm - [Song] No Love For Me
Helden
No Love For Me

I want to rip this paper up,
put an X over it in red ink.
Invalidate its existance,
pretend it never happened,
that this love never happened.

Ripped Cupid's arrow out of my heart.
Bandaged up the open wound.
Managed to stauch the bleeding.
There's no need to pour out my heart for you.

Because I know deep inside
you have no love for me.
So why do I hide?
This is maddening,
it's insanity.
Because I know inside
you don't love me.

Sometimes I wish we'd never met.
This would have never happened,
never happened.
And as much as I love you
I must pretend that I don't.
I don't love you.

But I know deep inside
you have no love for me.
So I deny this madness,
this insanity.
Because I know inside
you don't love me.
14th-Mar-2010 12:34 am - [SONG] Speak
It's a secret

Speak

I'm in such a mess,
sitting here on your front door step.
Standing in the rain--
it never rained when I was with him;
he made the clouds retreat and the sun shine;
my heart would soar.
But now I'm not so sure I love him anymore...
Do I love him after all?

I can't speak!
The words don't come out right
I'm waiting at your door
in the middle of the night.
And I can't speak,
it's like I'm now a mute.
I can't say that you hurt me,
can't say that you just used me.

And I just started running,
no where to go.
I've been crying ever since I left his place.
It's washing away the dirt,
it's washing away the sin.
And all I know is that I won't let this happen again.

I can't speak!
The words don't come out right
I'm waiting at your door
in the middle of the night.
And I can't speak,
it's like I'm now a mute.
I can't say that you hurt me,
can't say that you just used me.

It felt so right,
it was so wrong.
He shouldn't have held me in his arms
and promised me things would be all right.
I can wash myself until I'm raw and bleeding.
But in the end, the memories remain.
In the end, my heart is left to bleed.
In the end, his kiss had no meaning.

I can't speak!
The words don't come out right
I'm waiting at your door
in the middle of the night.
And I can't speak,
it's like I'm now a mute.
I can't say that you hurt me,
can't say that you just used me.

I really liked him--even loved him.
I really yearned for him--even wanted his touch.
I wished for us to be the perfect couple.
I hoped for a happy ending.
Guess this is what I get for wanting better.

I CAN'T SPEAK!
There's nothing I can say.
I'm not sure if I should be ashamed,
not sure who should take the blame.
I can't speak,
'cause I'll always remember
how I was rendered speechless by your gentle touch.

And don't speak,
he needn't say a word.
Because I know that I'll just come running back
to him in the end.
You could chain me down and tell me not to go,
but I'd end up breaking free and chase after him again.
And again and again and again.
And again and again and again.
And again and again and again and AGAIN.

IT NEVER STOPS.

And I can't speak...
I can't speak...
I never thought it would have gotten this far.
It felt so right, but it was so wrong.
I can't speak
because I wished for my fairytale ending...

But in the end, my heart is left to bleed.
And I am rendered speechless...
I can't speak...
Can't speak...
I can't speak
because I still love him in the end.

21st-Mar-2010 10:42 pm - [ONE SHOT] They Were Wrong
Helden

They said our paths would never cross.

She crossed the street just before the light turned green, impatience in her footsteps as she picked up her pace, wind tossing her hair about like the flames of a candle.

Not like this.

He checked his watch as he stopped at the corner, ready to get the day over with. A girl a little shorter than him walked past without any glance in his direction. Her head was lowered, her eyes to the ground, hands in the pockets of her coat. She looked familiar. The curly, flame coloured hair, the hoodie underneath an unzipped jacket...

That has to be her. There is no one else like her, he thought as he watched her cross the street.

They said you'd never chase after me.

"Alysia?"
She turned around and he almost bumped right into her. Their gazes met, and for a moment everything seemed to stop. There were no cars, no lights, no sense of direction or time.
"They said you'd never chase after me."
He grabbed her by the upper part of her arms and smirked, leaning closer.
"It's a good thing they were wrong, huh?"

He kissed her just as the light turned green again, just as time and all sense of direction returned, and all the cars reappeared.

They were wrong, and always would be wrong.

14th-Mar-2010 12:34 am - [SONG] Herr Direktor
Helden
Herr Direktor
I've got ten dollars to my name,
let's go have some fun.
Would you miss me if I disappeared
from sunset to dawn
with pretty eyed boys who love to have fun?
But tonight I'll be with you,
let's go see a show.
I'll be dressed in ripped blue jeans,
maybe even a beggar skirt,
who knows?

Does it bother you when I sit next to you,
showing off my bare legs and rubbing up against you?
I could sit on your lap
with your arms around your neck
in the back of the theatre.
Who cares what's going on on stage
when there's a performance right between us?

Kissmekissmekissme
until the play ends.
Lovemelovemeloveme
until this next song ends.
Kissmelovemetouchme
during the biggest dance number.
'Cause it's the tragic love story
of Marius and 'Ponine,
and there ain't no Cosette.

Rub your knee against mine
during the show
right next to that annoying girl
trying to get you to take off her clothes.
But she doesn't know that you belong to me tonight.
I lean into your side after she disappears stage right.

Kissmekissmekiss me
right as Act One ends.
The curtain's closed,
the lights come on.
Come on, pretend we're just friends.
Lovemelovemeloveme
go to the bathroom, please.
Lovemekissmepushme
up against the tile wall.
(Five minutes till curtain call!)

Act Two has just begun.
Oh honey, there's lipstick on your neck.
Oh shit, it's the principal,
I'll go here, you go outside,
let's pretend there's nothing going on between us.
I can hardly resist you,
Herr Direktor,
tell me where to go.
Oh that's my cue to go;
gotta go, meet me backstage.
It's pretty damn deserted,
no one will know,
they'll never know.

Lovemelovemeloveme
I can see you watching me.
I can see the look that's in your eyes,
I know you want to get with me.
Just holdmeholdmeholdme
you dirty boy, I'm barely off the stage when you
kissmekissmekissme.
Watch the stairs,
there's the dressing room over there.

Pardon the make up,
clear off the table,
I think we're alone now;
everyone else is off stage left.
I've got a solo part,
I'm the only one who needs to be here.
If you'll stay here with me,
I can make it a duet.
We'll be singing all night long,
and everyone'll be jealous.

Lovemelovemeloveme
If you please could you be the Marius to my
CosetteCosetteCosette?
Just take my hand and glide me,
don't letmeletme gogo.
Don't leave me for that beggar brat,
just lovemelovemeloveme,
you'll only have eyes for me.

Come and dance with me, love.
We've got some time to kill before our bows.
Let's lay down on the couch here and--
Your fingers trail down my corset;
you whisper sweetly,
"Cosette, Cosette!"--
Kick off my heels and--
"This isn't a dream," I whisper back--
You pull me on top of you,
I'm on your lap.
"Direktor, I love you very much."

I wantyouwantyouwantyou
and I'll finally have you now--
"Curtain call,
cast assemble yourselves for the final bow!"--
I want to kissyoukissyoukissyou,
there's no one else around!--
Liebe--
Kissyouholdyoutouchyou.
Liebe--
Loveyouteaseyoupleaseyou.
Liebe!

The end of the act...
The end of the show...
The curtain goes up...
"Ladies and gentlemen, come back tomorrow to see the encore,
and invite all your friends!
Have a good night and we'll
see you again!"
13th-Mar-2010 09:33 pm - [POEM] "Even in My Dreams"
Helden
Les Mis is a good muse. A lot of my poetry as of late has been inspired by it, which I guess is a good thing. The thing that interests me the most is the love triangle between Eponine, Marius, and Cosette, mostly because I feel I can relate to it. There's this guy I like, I consider him to be Marius. I'm Eponine. The difference is Marius's 'status' is Cosette. There is no girl standing in my way, but rather, Marius's position of authority is blocking me.

This poem is about a girl who has fallen in love with a boy, but there's something standing in her way--what it is is left up to you, the reader--and no matter how much she wishes or hopes or dreams, she'll never get the boy. Not even in the surreal non-reality of her dreams.

The first part is written as if a girl was playing the part of Eponine in Les Miserables, but as the poem continues, it becomes less like she's the actor and more like she's actually Eponine. So the latter part could be considered as written by Eponine and this could be like a 'duet' of sorts. It's up to interpretation.

There are some Les Mis references, but you don't have to have any knowledge of the book, play, or musical in order to understand the poem. :D

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He will never feel this way.Collapse )
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